Another journal entry about my time in Russia, although I notice that this one is dated on the same day as the one labeled before it. I don't know if that is accurate or not. So I will put it on the 23rd.
here is the unedited entry:
"I almost passed out. I'd never been so exhausted in my entire life. I committed to making portraits for all the kids, so I was not getting any sleep at night on top of long days of activity. Extreme stress and anxiety coupled with sleepless nights and overwhelming emotional struggles led to my almost collapsing from sheer exhaustion. The task I undertook - drawing all 14 portraits in 6 days that were already full, not to mention drawing them in colored pencil which I've never done before - was almost too much and impossible. Tanya said I should not have undertaken such an impossible task. I stressed some more.
But after I nearly passed out, Tanya saw what was going on. She had me driven home to sleep and rest. That's when I remembered something Tanya said: "People say God does not give you more than you can handle - but He does. He gives you more than you can handle so people can see it is not you doing it, but Him through you. You can do nothing without God." Her words are what pulled me through the next week. Tanya told me to stop stressing about the portraits and to rest. After my rest, I turned to God and gave it all to Him. He was under control. My stress and anxiety eased and I felt peace and joy.
But that didn't stop me from being sick and exhausted I was still working hard on the pictures, and often began to feel stressed and anxious again. I was emotionally and physically drained from working at the center and walking all day sight-seeing. By Wednesday, the day before the portraits needed to be completed, I was only half finished, with 7 more to go. I begged Tanya to let me stay behind from the day's sight-seeing so I could finish them, but . . . she said no. "It is physically impossible to finish them all before tomorrow," she told me. I was exhausted, miserable, and in tears.
But a miracle happened. That night, I finished every single one of them. I stayed up until 2 am. Then I woke up at 8:30 and quickly put a colored background on them and signed my name at the bottom of each one. I had done the impossible. No, let me correct myself. God had completed what was impossible for me. You see, Tanya thought it was impossible. I felt I could never complete them. But what was impossible for me was possible for God. God completed a miracle through me.
The joy on the kids faces when they saw the pictures of themselves made the exhaustion and late nights, early mornings worth it. Those kids? They are worth everything. Every time I stayed up until 2 am. Woke up at 7 am. Felt dizzy and lightheaded. When my face hurt and my facial muscles literally could barely move and felt funny. All the aching bones. The tears I cried. Everything was for them. For God's beautiful, valuable children. They are worth everything."
here is the unedited entry:
***
"I almost passed out. I'd never been so exhausted in my entire life. I committed to making portraits for all the kids, so I was not getting any sleep at night on top of long days of activity. Extreme stress and anxiety coupled with sleepless nights and overwhelming emotional struggles led to my almost collapsing from sheer exhaustion. The task I undertook - drawing all 14 portraits in 6 days that were already full, not to mention drawing them in colored pencil which I've never done before - was almost too much and impossible. Tanya said I should not have undertaken such an impossible task. I stressed some more.
But after I nearly passed out, Tanya saw what was going on. She had me driven home to sleep and rest. That's when I remembered something Tanya said: "People say God does not give you more than you can handle - but He does. He gives you more than you can handle so people can see it is not you doing it, but Him through you. You can do nothing without God." Her words are what pulled me through the next week. Tanya told me to stop stressing about the portraits and to rest. After my rest, I turned to God and gave it all to Him. He was under control. My stress and anxiety eased and I felt peace and joy.
But that didn't stop me from being sick and exhausted I was still working hard on the pictures, and often began to feel stressed and anxious again. I was emotionally and physically drained from working at the center and walking all day sight-seeing. By Wednesday, the day before the portraits needed to be completed, I was only half finished, with 7 more to go. I begged Tanya to let me stay behind from the day's sight-seeing so I could finish them, but . . . she said no. "It is physically impossible to finish them all before tomorrow," she told me. I was exhausted, miserable, and in tears.
But a miracle happened. That night, I finished every single one of them. I stayed up until 2 am. Then I woke up at 8:30 and quickly put a colored background on them and signed my name at the bottom of each one. I had done the impossible. No, let me correct myself. God had completed what was impossible for me. You see, Tanya thought it was impossible. I felt I could never complete them. But what was impossible for me was possible for God. God completed a miracle through me.
The joy on the kids faces when they saw the pictures of themselves made the exhaustion and late nights, early mornings worth it. Those kids? They are worth everything. Every time I stayed up until 2 am. Woke up at 7 am. Felt dizzy and lightheaded. When my face hurt and my facial muscles literally could barely move and felt funny. All the aching bones. The tears I cried. Everything was for them. For God's beautiful, valuable children. They are worth everything."
***
In these days as I feel listless and as though I'm drifting downstream, I read this and feel strange. I really believe that what happened was a miracle from God. But it feels so far away. Like it never happened.
edit: as I draw closer to God, joy begins to awaken in me. Life starts to take on a meaning and purpose. For the first time in forever, I actually feel excited for life . . .
edit: as I draw closer to God, joy begins to awaken in me. Life starts to take on a meaning and purpose. For the first time in forever, I actually feel excited for life . . .
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