What we're meant to be

It's terrifying, isn't it? To admit to yourself that your dreams, all you've ever wanted to do . . . and what you always firmly believed God was calling you to do . . . isn't true anymore. And that maybe God is calling you somewhere else. And not to where He was before. Not to where you thought you'd always be. I always felt called to orphan care. I love children. Jesus loves children. And they really need people to care about them. They are the losers of the world. Losers because they are powerless to win against the tyrannous adults who trample them. Abandoned, abused, neglected . . . they are weak and helpless, easily destroyed. And you know what? No one seems to care. We look the other way and pretend it doesn't happen. It's a common thing, right? To politely gasp over shocking horrors and tragedies, and then carry on sipping our sweet tea while complaining about how hot the weather is. Because we don't want to think about that stuff. That sh*t...

When I was hurting, I cried. Inside I was empty. I felt worthless and incompetent . . . without purpose and in the way. And so I messaged him because everyone else was busy. There was no one else to talk to. And I need someone. I needed something. Because I was barely hanging on. But you know? I was trying to do it on my own. I wasn't making this about God. No. I had switched to making it about me. I wasn't trying to bless these kids and bring them light. I was thinking of myself. And I was fooling myself that it wasn't so. So I messaged him. And he told me something significant. At the moment, I didn't think much of it. I dismissed it because it seemed to simple. But that's because I was blinded by myself. All I could see was my own reflection and the emptiness of my heart. He told me that when he feels sad and useless, he tries to find ways to help others. Support them, encourage them, etc. That maybe I should support the other intern. Look for ways to be a ...

Laughing is the antidote against the enemy of darkness. But if there is no laughter to be found, then what can be done to heal the pain? I am so unhappy. And now I know why it is such a chronic pain. It's because of me. I am unhappy because of myself. I am the problem. And I can't escape myself. I try to escape, but I can never escape. I am trapped inside myself. Because there is no other me. I am stuck being me. And that is a terrible thing. Of what use am I here? The kids asked why I am "always sad." I am supposed to be a light to them. Yet they see me as darkness.  Why am I even here? I thought I could help? Ha! I am only a stumbling block that gets in the way of spreading the gospel. I am useless here, a body that gets in everyone's way. There is not much I can do, and I am always doing something wrong. And they will never like me. Because I am darkness, and there is no light in me. Jesus, why am I here? I feel like I can't do this. The kids love Sar...