I flipped through my journal and saw what I wrote while I was in Russia. I forgot that this stuff happened . . . I forgot the emotions I felt . . . it felt strange to relive them and remember so much that happened.
here is the original entry, with no edits:
"I woke up laughing. Joy. Purpose. Excitement for doing God's work. It didn't matter I still have bad jet lag and only slept 5 hours at the most last night. I was bursting. This time not with tears, but joy.
Last night, I could no longer hold back all the negative emotions contained in my soul. All afternoon, I felt a loneliness, and a longing to connect. I wanted to discuss my thoughts and feelings with someone. But there was no one. I felt like an outcast. And alone, but not alone. Surrounded, suffocation. Insecurities about my image and body, my personality, surfaced and completely invaded my mind. Instead of there being a focus on God and the ministry I was supposed to be working for Him, my thoughts were on myself. My mind was over flooded. I had met the kids for the first time, and heard some of their stories. Terrible stories. Stories of suffering. Everything, the jet lag and exhaustion, my introverted self being forced to be around others 24/7, and the children's stories, my invading body negativity thoughts . . . it was all too much.
I needed God. I knew it. I took my Bible and notepad and read Psalm 138 and 139. I unleashed a flood of tears. It was 11:20 pm, and people walking near my on the couch definitely saw me. I read the letter Gabi gave me to read here, and the words she said were words I needed to hear. Gal 9:6 - let us not become weary of doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. And she told me that God does not call the qualified, but qualifies the called. Then Tanya came and encouraged me, talking about missions, me, and God. We set goals for me to meet with the kids at the center."
The entry ends abruptly there, and I can tell that I was getting tired of writing because everything started to get clipped. I wish I had gone into more detail. I wish I had been more honest. Because even in my own journal, everything isn't as it appears. I can't even be honest with myself.
I feel awful that I had those insecurities at such a time. I should have been thinking more of the kids. But I wasn't. I wished so much. But I didn't. I don't understand. I wish I could be a better person.
It appears I am going back to Russia. Can I handle it? I don't know. I wonder. I fear. I just really don't know.
here is the original entry, with no edits:
***
"I woke up laughing. Joy. Purpose. Excitement for doing God's work. It didn't matter I still have bad jet lag and only slept 5 hours at the most last night. I was bursting. This time not with tears, but joy.
Last night, I could no longer hold back all the negative emotions contained in my soul. All afternoon, I felt a loneliness, and a longing to connect. I wanted to discuss my thoughts and feelings with someone. But there was no one. I felt like an outcast. And alone, but not alone. Surrounded, suffocation. Insecurities about my image and body, my personality, surfaced and completely invaded my mind. Instead of there being a focus on God and the ministry I was supposed to be working for Him, my thoughts were on myself. My mind was over flooded. I had met the kids for the first time, and heard some of their stories. Terrible stories. Stories of suffering. Everything, the jet lag and exhaustion, my introverted self being forced to be around others 24/7, and the children's stories, my invading body negativity thoughts . . . it was all too much.
I needed God. I knew it. I took my Bible and notepad and read Psalm 138 and 139. I unleashed a flood of tears. It was 11:20 pm, and people walking near my on the couch definitely saw me. I read the letter Gabi gave me to read here, and the words she said were words I needed to hear. Gal 9:6 - let us not become weary of doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. And she told me that God does not call the qualified, but qualifies the called. Then Tanya came and encouraged me, talking about missions, me, and God. We set goals for me to meet with the kids at the center."
***
The entry ends abruptly there, and I can tell that I was getting tired of writing because everything started to get clipped. I wish I had gone into more detail. I wish I had been more honest. Because even in my own journal, everything isn't as it appears. I can't even be honest with myself.
I feel awful that I had those insecurities at such a time. I should have been thinking more of the kids. But I wasn't. I wished so much. But I didn't. I don't understand. I wish I could be a better person.
It appears I am going back to Russia. Can I handle it? I don't know. I wonder. I fear. I just really don't know.
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