It's terrifying, isn't it?
To admit to yourself that your dreams, all you've ever wanted to do . . . and what you always firmly believed God was calling you to do . . . isn't true anymore. And that maybe God is calling you somewhere else. And not to where He was before. Not to where you thought you'd always be.
I always felt called to orphan care. I love children. Jesus loves children. And they really need people to care about them. They are the losers of the world. Losers because they are powerless to win against the tyrannous adults who trample them. Abandoned, abused, neglected . . . they are weak and helpless, easily destroyed. And you know what? No one seems to care. We look the other way and pretend it doesn't happen. It's a common thing, right? To politely gasp over shocking horrors and tragedies, and then carry on sipping our sweet tea while complaining about how hot the weather is. Because we don't want to think about that stuff. That sh*t's too heavy. And it's more comfortable to just send money and hope someone else will take care of it. Except . . . very few people actually do.
So that's what I've been striving after. To be the one who does care. And to make a difference. I am only one person, but one person can become many if we all work together. So I pursued a degree in psychology. I worked with kids. And now I'm in Russia, working in orphan care. After coming here last year, I knew it was where I was meant to be, right?
But I think that something has been nagging in the bottom of my throat for a while. Something that I've ignored and numbed . . . suppressed. Because I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to feel it. And I didn't want to believe it.
Maybe this isn't what I'm called to do anymore.
But. But it's all I've ever felt called to do. And I've always known that if I did anything else, any other profession in the world . . . I just know that if I don't work in orphan care . . . for the forgotten, abused and abandoned . . . then I would never be at peace. I would always know that I wasn't doing what I was meant to do.
But what if that's not my calling anymore? What if it was, but now God's leading me somewhere else? Because as I've been here in Russia working with kids, something has been bothering me a lot. Because I have discovered that I AM NOT GOOD AT THIS. The way I am as a person . . . it doesn't fit. I am not talkative or engaging, so connecting with the kids and building healthy and positive relationships with them is difficult. And honestly not really happening. And I am not good at crafts (seriously, I've always hated them) or coming up with new and exciting games - and bringing that energy and excitement to the kids.
So I've been in misery. I'm not good at the one thing I've always felt called to do. I'm not good at it. I'm not. So I talked to my mom, and she told me that it's okay - it doesn't have to be what I'm called to do forever. But it is right now in this moment. Because here I am. And you know? She's right. And it may just end here - this summer after I go home. But that doesn't mean I wasn't called this summer. Right here. Right now. And it doesn't mean that I forget the whole thing and do nothing. It does mean that God leads us in different directions. At different times. To accomplish many things.
We might not all have "life" callings. The kind that you pursue your entire life. Some of us just go wherever we're needed in that time. At that moment. And that's okay. As long as you know it's okay, and that you freaking do what God's calling you to do.
I was scared. I was scared to admit that this wasn't my strength. And that maybe I was bad at my own mission in life? But admitting it to myself first . . . and then finally others . . . it freed me from the feeling that I had to be perfect. That I must be like, this perfect fit for this "Missionary Poppins" job. And the feeling that I am obligated to dedicate my life to this for, well, forever.
So what next? I don't know. But that's okay. Because here I am. And I'm going to do my best, because this is where God had called me this summer.
xx samantha
***I want to add something. I do not mean to judge anyone or suggest that we need to be doing a specific thing to be a "good" Christian (whatever a "good" Christian is). We are all called by God to do different things in different places. And we all have a purpose and part in His plan. What we are all called to do is share the gospel, and that looks different for all of us.***
To admit to yourself that your dreams, all you've ever wanted to do . . . and what you always firmly believed God was calling you to do . . . isn't true anymore. And that maybe God is calling you somewhere else. And not to where He was before. Not to where you thought you'd always be.
I always felt called to orphan care. I love children. Jesus loves children. And they really need people to care about them. They are the losers of the world. Losers because they are powerless to win against the tyrannous adults who trample them. Abandoned, abused, neglected . . . they are weak and helpless, easily destroyed. And you know what? No one seems to care. We look the other way and pretend it doesn't happen. It's a common thing, right? To politely gasp over shocking horrors and tragedies, and then carry on sipping our sweet tea while complaining about how hot the weather is. Because we don't want to think about that stuff. That sh*t's too heavy. And it's more comfortable to just send money and hope someone else will take care of it. Except . . . very few people actually do.
So that's what I've been striving after. To be the one who does care. And to make a difference. I am only one person, but one person can become many if we all work together. So I pursued a degree in psychology. I worked with kids. And now I'm in Russia, working in orphan care. After coming here last year, I knew it was where I was meant to be, right?
But I think that something has been nagging in the bottom of my throat for a while. Something that I've ignored and numbed . . . suppressed. Because I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to feel it. And I didn't want to believe it.
Maybe this isn't what I'm called to do anymore.
But. But it's all I've ever felt called to do. And I've always known that if I did anything else, any other profession in the world . . . I just know that if I don't work in orphan care . . . for the forgotten, abused and abandoned . . . then I would never be at peace. I would always know that I wasn't doing what I was meant to do.
But what if that's not my calling anymore? What if it was, but now God's leading me somewhere else? Because as I've been here in Russia working with kids, something has been bothering me a lot. Because I have discovered that I AM NOT GOOD AT THIS. The way I am as a person . . . it doesn't fit. I am not talkative or engaging, so connecting with the kids and building healthy and positive relationships with them is difficult. And honestly not really happening. And I am not good at crafts (seriously, I've always hated them) or coming up with new and exciting games - and bringing that energy and excitement to the kids.
So I've been in misery. I'm not good at the one thing I've always felt called to do. I'm not good at it. I'm not. So I talked to my mom, and she told me that it's okay - it doesn't have to be what I'm called to do forever. But it is right now in this moment. Because here I am. And you know? She's right. And it may just end here - this summer after I go home. But that doesn't mean I wasn't called this summer. Right here. Right now. And it doesn't mean that I forget the whole thing and do nothing. It does mean that God leads us in different directions. At different times. To accomplish many things.
We might not all have "life" callings. The kind that you pursue your entire life. Some of us just go wherever we're needed in that time. At that moment. And that's okay. As long as you know it's okay, and that you freaking do what God's calling you to do.
I was scared. I was scared to admit that this wasn't my strength. And that maybe I was bad at my own mission in life? But admitting it to myself first . . . and then finally others . . . it freed me from the feeling that I had to be perfect. That I must be like, this perfect fit for this "Missionary Poppins" job. And the feeling that I am obligated to dedicate my life to this for, well, forever.
So what next? I don't know. But that's okay. Because here I am. And I'm going to do my best, because this is where God had called me this summer.
xx samantha
***I want to add something. I do not mean to judge anyone or suggest that we need to be doing a specific thing to be a "good" Christian (whatever a "good" Christian is). We are all called by God to do different things in different places. And we all have a purpose and part in His plan. What we are all called to do is share the gospel, and that looks different for all of us.***
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