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What can I do?

Laughing is the antidote against the enemy of darkness. But if there is no laughter to be found, then what can be done to heal the pain?

I am so unhappy. And now I know why it is such a chronic pain. It's because of me. I am unhappy because of myself. I am the problem. And I can't escape myself. I try to escape, but I can never escape. I am trapped inside myself. Because there is no other me. I am stuck being me. And that is a terrible thing.

Of what use am I here? The kids asked why I am "always sad." I am supposed to be a light to them. Yet they see me as darkness.  Why am I even here? I thought I could help? Ha! I am only a stumbling block that gets in the way of spreading the gospel. I am useless here, a body that gets in everyone's way. There is not much I can do, and I am always doing something wrong. And they will never like me. Because I am darkness, and there is no light in me.

Jesus, why am I here? I feel like I can't do this. The kids love Sarah and already they have connected and shared intimate parts of themselves with her. But I am not enough. And I know you can make me enough, because it isn't me but You that does the work. But I am not worth making enough. Yet ... these kids are worth your time. So what can I do? And what can be done?

People are meant to see You in me. Yet . . . are You in me? I am not even sure right now. Because You are light, and I am not.

I feel empty. I feel pain. I try to numb it in different ways . . . sleep, food, music . . .  etc. But nothing satisfies for long, and in the end . . . I'm worse off than before.

What is my happiness based on? Where does it come from? If true happiness comes from within, then maybe I ran out. I cannot make myself happy. For I have tried a million times, and I never can anymore.


Jesus, I pray I find happiness in You. Because I can't find it here. I can't find it in me.

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