When I was hurting, I cried. Inside I was empty. I felt worthless and incompetent . . . without purpose and in the way.
And so I messaged him because everyone else was busy. There was no one else to talk to. And I need someone. I needed something. Because I was barely hanging on. But you know? I was trying to do it on my own. I wasn't making this about God. No. I had switched to making it about me. I wasn't trying to bless these kids and bring them light. I was thinking of myself. And I was fooling myself that it wasn't so.
So I messaged him. And he told me something significant. At the moment, I didn't think much of it. I dismissed it because it seemed to simple. But that's because I was blinded by myself. All I could see was my own reflection and the emptiness of my heart.
He told me that when he feels sad and useless, he tries to find ways to help others. Support them, encourage them, etc. That maybe I should support the other intern. Look for ways to be a light.
I didn't feel like a light. I felt worthless. How can I help someone when I am a nobody? People will look at me and think, "man, this ugly girl is as stupid as she looks." And they won't want my help. But I thought this because I was blinded by myself still. I wanted to help, but I was too busy thinking of myself. What they thought of me, if they liked me, etc. And I hate that that's so often my focus. Myself.
I hate that I am a selfish person. I hate that I think of myself too much. And I'm so blinded that I don't even realize it.
I went to Jesus and prayed for forgiveness. That I would set Him as first in my heart, and seek to please Him . . . not myself. Not others. Him. And I prayed that I would do my best, even if my best isn't very good. Because He didn't ask me to be "as good" as anyone else, but to do my best. If He wanted me to be like someone else, He would have made me like them. This is the life I have been given, and I am called by God Himself to live it to the fullest, making the most of every opportunity and every moment I have to bring joy and light to the world and glory to Him.
I am a supporting character in this life. I am not the main lead. I am not the second lead. I'm that random girl in the background that you can't even see, lost in the sea of people. And I might think I'm insignificant. But . . . there are other people in this crowd if I look up and glance around. And those are the people I can touch. No one watching may know. Because it's not what you see when you're watching the story play out. But it happens all the same. And I am necessary all the same. We are all a part of the puzzle, and a single piece taken out can leave an empty hole that cannot be replaced by another. Whether I choose to do my part . . . that's up to me.
So today, I will bother. Regardless of whether my best is "worth bothering" about. Regardless of whether I appear stupid in someone else's eyes. Because that is bound to happen. But with what I have been given . . . with my one talent that my Master has given me . . . I resolve to not bury it in the ground just because it's so insignificant seeming and "not worth bothering over." My Master didn't give me my talent to bury in the dirt. He gave it to me to take care of and use, and to squeeze every last drop out of it. To multiply it x2. ***
And it's uncomfortable to be honest. But enough with the delusions and masks. I need to be real. This is who I am. And this is where I'm at. And it's ugly. And I will understand if you are disgusted and want to distance yourself. Because it's not attractive or lovely, or a desirable quality in a friend.
But I want to change. I want to grow and be different. I want to move on. The process is slow and I feel impatient and just want to be where I'm meant to be. But it's one day at a time. Even just one minute at a time. Slowly, very slowly, lifting my heart to Jesus to wipe away the stains.
xx
*** Matthew 25:14-30
And so I messaged him because everyone else was busy. There was no one else to talk to. And I need someone. I needed something. Because I was barely hanging on. But you know? I was trying to do it on my own. I wasn't making this about God. No. I had switched to making it about me. I wasn't trying to bless these kids and bring them light. I was thinking of myself. And I was fooling myself that it wasn't so.
So I messaged him. And he told me something significant. At the moment, I didn't think much of it. I dismissed it because it seemed to simple. But that's because I was blinded by myself. All I could see was my own reflection and the emptiness of my heart.
He told me that when he feels sad and useless, he tries to find ways to help others. Support them, encourage them, etc. That maybe I should support the other intern. Look for ways to be a light.
I didn't feel like a light. I felt worthless. How can I help someone when I am a nobody? People will look at me and think, "man, this ugly girl is as stupid as she looks." And they won't want my help. But I thought this because I was blinded by myself still. I wanted to help, but I was too busy thinking of myself. What they thought of me, if they liked me, etc. And I hate that that's so often my focus. Myself.
I hate that I am a selfish person. I hate that I think of myself too much. And I'm so blinded that I don't even realize it.
I went to Jesus and prayed for forgiveness. That I would set Him as first in my heart, and seek to please Him . . . not myself. Not others. Him. And I prayed that I would do my best, even if my best isn't very good. Because He didn't ask me to be "as good" as anyone else, but to do my best. If He wanted me to be like someone else, He would have made me like them. This is the life I have been given, and I am called by God Himself to live it to the fullest, making the most of every opportunity and every moment I have to bring joy and light to the world and glory to Him.
I am a supporting character in this life. I am not the main lead. I am not the second lead. I'm that random girl in the background that you can't even see, lost in the sea of people. And I might think I'm insignificant. But . . . there are other people in this crowd if I look up and glance around. And those are the people I can touch. No one watching may know. Because it's not what you see when you're watching the story play out. But it happens all the same. And I am necessary all the same. We are all a part of the puzzle, and a single piece taken out can leave an empty hole that cannot be replaced by another. Whether I choose to do my part . . . that's up to me.
So today, I will bother. Regardless of whether my best is "worth bothering" about. Regardless of whether I appear stupid in someone else's eyes. Because that is bound to happen. But with what I have been given . . . with my one talent that my Master has given me . . . I resolve to not bury it in the ground just because it's so insignificant seeming and "not worth bothering over." My Master didn't give me my talent to bury in the dirt. He gave it to me to take care of and use, and to squeeze every last drop out of it. To multiply it x2. ***
And it's uncomfortable to be honest. But enough with the delusions and masks. I need to be real. This is who I am. And this is where I'm at. And it's ugly. And I will understand if you are disgusted and want to distance yourself. Because it's not attractive or lovely, or a desirable quality in a friend.
But I want to change. I want to grow and be different. I want to move on. The process is slow and I feel impatient and just want to be where I'm meant to be. But it's one day at a time. Even just one minute at a time. Slowly, very slowly, lifting my heart to Jesus to wipe away the stains.
xx
*** Matthew 25:14-30
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