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If I could tell you how I feel

The words I don't have the courage to say. 


I'm breaking up with you.

We've been through a lot and it's been more than amazing. And it's not even the kind of "im breaking up with you" relationship. But it is. And I am.

Last summer was hard. You two, always together. Me, always alone. You two, living together. Me, apart. We all experienced different things and our hearts were molded in different ways. And when we were brought back together, I wasn't the same. And neither were you. Because a summer is a long time. And a lot can change.

Last semester was hard. On a scale of 1-10 on how I felt, 1 being the worst, I was -100. I wanted to die every second of every single day. I wanted to kill myself. I felt so unhappy and miserable. I writhed in bed every night in torture. I quit believing in God's love, because I felt none. And I cried and you cried and we all hurt each other.

And all the time I think about how it isn't the same. And it won't be ever again. Because no matter how much I love you, you don't really seem to notice. I try to tell you that I want to be with you, but you never care. Not enough to do anything. Oh, I know it's my fault to. Because every time you're around I put up my walls. I want to be close to you so bad, but my hands are in fists and I turn away from you. I think you tried to talk to me once or twice. But I blocked you away. Because . . . why? I want to be close, but I don't know how.

And I think it's something we can't figure out. Maybe I'm too white. Maybe I'm too tall. Maybe I don't laugh enough (yeah, do I laugh at all?). But maybe I've pushed people away too long. And I wonder if you even know the real me. Because I'm so often the pretend me. Would you even like the real me? Do you remember her? I don't even know if you like the fake me. I'm not even sure if there is a real me anymore.

I have loved us. So much. More than anything. And I never wanted to let us go. I never wanted to say goodbye. We always said it'd be forever. Two years is a far cry from forever. But I guess that's the most life can offer anymore. Because nobody's friends forever.

And so this is to tell you goodbye. And that I'm leaving. And that I hope you two have a good summer together, because I know I won't be a part of it again and that makes me sad, but this time at least I know that I won't be rejoining you guys. Because this time I am saving myself the hurt. I hope you understand. And I know you'll be happier. Because they always say, two is company and three is a crowd.


farewell  x x

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